Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken (Part 2)

Dear Whitney,

My home is broken I need help. There is no shortcut to getting used to living without your wife. No matter the circumstances behind the loss or separation. It appears you have to painfully miss the person every single day till the hurt is no longer there. I have to deliberately readjust my entire life schedule to keep myself together.
I still find it difficult to sleep till midnight. I can’t cook even if my life depended on it. I hardly take decisions on anything till I’ve sort of bounced it off anyone like I always do with her. Every weekend, because I do our laundry, I work around the whole house looking for things to launder. How long do I have to live like this? So many questions, my friends tell me I will find someone but won’t hook me up because they know my wife.
I know I’m not ready for us to get back together, I don’t even know if I would ever want to get back together but the mind has its memories and those memories are playing with my life as it is.

I’ve nearly made a terrible error, with someone, because of this. Unconsciously, I tend to drive relationships that are supposed to be left casual towards an intimate one because of the dependency I have. I want to talk longer, more openly with people whom I probably shouldn’t be having these conversations with. And you know what happens when you’ve shared several intimate and meaningful moments with someone, you begin to feel there could be something more to the relationship.

I met a girl last year that I wanted to keep as friends. She had been out of the state for over a year, so we’ve been talking once in a while since then, school, work, family, you know, we’ve kept it civil. After my separation, our conversations began to get personal and a little intimate. So in of those moments of utter loneliness, I asked her to let me know whenever she was in town so we could hang out. I needed anybody.

I’m a sensual person, so I was tired and wound up! Six month plus! I had not made passionate love, worse; I had not been with any woman! I had cobwebs all over my phallus.
So she called later in the week to tell me she was coming to see her parents, and would like to see me. I knew we were operating in the same wavelength. I was ready. I couldn’t wait for Friday to come. She came in very late on Friday and couldn’t see me, no problems, tomorrow was a whole day. So when she called early Saturday morning, I asked her to meet me at a popular restaurant. The plan was to have a good meal first, then progress from there.
Lol.

First of all, she arrived an hour late. Then, she was shaky, very uncomfortable, like I intimidated her.
Oh my God! Tepid ladies turn me off. I want a fighter! A lady who can hold her own. Someone who argues intelligently, a sparring partner! I want someone who matches my intensity; passion for passion and not a pushover.
She spilled her drinks and couldn’t look me in the eye. Ok, that’s it! That was when I knew the whole episode was going to be a disaster. This thing wasn’t going to end well. I just kept conversations casual, and saw her off. I called her to make sure she got home and then went and buried my need six feet, with Heineken

Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken

The next level was dead on arrival. So I’m still stuck, essentially. No companion, no nothing.
These are the things I miss about my wife. She is a fighter, but she wasn’t supposed to fight me. It was supposed to be the two of us against the world.

Now I have to start afresh.
How do I cope? Do I have to change who I am? Become reserved and bottle up my thoughts till I find someone I can share them with, what if I never meet that person? Is this how the rest of my life is going to go?

Certainly this is not all there is to life. You have to keep putting yourself out there, I wont stop. One day, I am going to find someone who will put her palm on my battle turn heart and say, (its OK warrior, you don’t have to fight alone anymore).

Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken

KEVIN.

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