Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken( Part 1)

Dear Whitney,

My home is broken, help me before I break down.

My heart skips often; I am scared I’m going to come down with a heart disease if something is not done about it. I’ve tried meditation but that only works for awhile, my erratic mind keeps wondering off. Maybe I should consider writing for a change; at least it should keep my mind focused on one task, maybe that will help ease the heavy burden I bear.

I cant stop thinking of my kids. Whitney, I am blessed with a girl and a boy. I miss them, but today, it is almost unbearable.  I think it has something to do with the pictures my in-law sent me over the weekend; they had gone for a birthday party. Charlie, my daughter, looked tired and disinterested. My daughter is easily distracted by events that she isn’t passionate about. I felt gutted.

She probably misses me too. Until we were separated, she was my kid sister. We converse like adults and she is just 5 years old. When she was born, her mother had complications during delivery and had to stay in the ICU for two weeks. So I was with Charlie at the Neonatal section of the hospital for those weeks waiting for mummy to get stronger. It was a boring two weeks, so I spoke and read to my daughter like she could understand me. Sometimes, I would I tell her it wasn’t her fault mummy had to be hospitalized as if she knew what that even meant, Lol. Perhaps, that was where our awkward conversations started.

One day, I’m driving her to school and my phone rings. It was a colleague from work but I didn’t take the call. When the call drops, she asks me if I owed the person money. I was shocked by this question. When I asked her why she would say that, she says her mummy told her people who owe money don’t take calls. I laughed the whole day!

Whitney, I think Charlie knows I’m having issues with my wife because whenever I call her she asks me about her mother. Every time. The day before my wife left, we had a terrible misunderstanding. I was steaming the whole day. After she watched me for a while, she came to me, took my hands and asked me gently to go to bed; she slept by my side that night. Sometimes, I tease her, I call her old woman. I never had this connection with my parents, so it pains me that just when I get to have it with my daughter, life happened.

Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken

My son Chuka is just two years old. He is Charlies sidekick, he adores her and would repeat everything she says or does. He wants everything his sister has. Charlie finds it irritating because she feels she can’t have her space but I try to explain it to her, she should give him time.
Chuka is just full of energy and never forgets anything he sees. I try to be careful around him cos he never forgets. He is beginning to figure out how to use words now, I can tell that from how he tells me what’s happening with him when I talk to them on phone. I’ve also noticed that he is going to be very hard-headed which gives me concern. I want to be in his life just to make sure he is hard-headed about the right things.
I just miss them. I miss that I don’t get to be in this part of their lives. All I have are just still pictures sent to me, with no stories behind the smile or sad or uninterested look. Na wa!

Maybe I should a take a few weeks off from work to see them. Take them for a trip somewhere; just the three of us.
I can’t tell why I don’t miss my wife that way. Instead, I miss having company. I am a natural at conversations; I love to talk a lot. So that is what I miss. These days I just look for friends to discuss anything with, and if you happen to oblige me with personal struggles like the ones I am going through right now, it feels like a load off my chest.
I know I need to talk to a therapist at some point.
It is not just my marriage, my business, too, is in a mess and I foresee tougher times ahead. This scares me.

Whitney, My wife has been sending friends and family members to talk to me; she wants to give the marriage another try. But I am not sure I am ready. I don’t think I am stable mentally to carry her and make the changes I need to make in my life right now. Maybe I need to be alone for now. No commitments.
I have tried to do some self-reflection recently, and I discovered I am very empathetic; I realize I indulge people a lot, so they take advantage of it. I found out that being too softhearted might have been at the center of my marital and business problems.

It’s been six months since I’ve been separated, and the second half of the year. This is a far cry from how I planned my year to be. It held so much promise. Maybe, it still holds some. For a while I’ve had to rely on friends to offer me an emotional buffer, but people still have their issues to deal with. There is so much anybody can do for you, sometimes you have to dig your foot into the ground and decide that this storm is not going to sweep you away.
It’s almost 8.00pm, and I’m still in the office. Time to go home, but there is nothing to go home to. Club?

Diary Of A Failed Marriage – My Home Is Broken Kevin.

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